i am the face of depression

je vous presente mon cousin james-le bon vivant et artiste extraordinaire

2009-01-04T19:13:00.005-05:00

here is one of the country's most talented artists: james paterson

so who the hell is this auntie farty woman anyway?

2009-01-04T19:04:00.003-05:00

okay, the secret is out: in an exclusive to all the millions of people who read this blog (!!!!) auntie farty was not only conceived by my mother but also stars her. move over all you a listers in hollywood. diana is busting out her moves for you in one of many installments we hope to present to you. remember you heard it first from me (okay so i previewed a few clips on facebook). here she is in her shinning glory, dressed to the nines!

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=45965096516&ref=nf

mirror mirror on the wall who is the wittiest professor of them all?

2009-01-04T18:22:00.005-05:00

here is a little glimpse into the life of perhaps the wittiest professor i have ever met: Professor Kevin James (University of Guelph)

http://www.uoguelph.ca/atguelph/06-10-11/features.shtml

surprised already by huge acts of kindness and it's only the beginning of january!

2009-01-04T17:55:00.010-05:00

so we haven't even passed the first week in january and already i have seen friends of ours show their support for us by helping out in ways that really took me by surprise.

i am so thrilled that steve is committed to teaching here in toronto. i have always believed that toronto just has so much to offer anyone living here. you want to rock climb, it's here. you want to do the most obscure type of yoga, that's here. you want to eat indian food in the largest eating establishment i have ever seen, you have that too (okay tandori flame is in brampton but i think that's pretty close). this city has everything. i know this, other people do too but it was a tough sell for steve.

anyway he's here, settled in and after a few glorious days together at his cottage (with a few afternoons of spa life as well) we are back in the city and trying to get his cv together for teaching jobs here.

most of today was spent working on a cover letter to one school. to get a really good cover letter that is not just a cut and paste kind of a job requires time and thought. so having just completed draft one, steve is off to a friend who happens to teach at the school he's applying to teach at so that they can go over the language, tone and general flow of the letter. i think it's very noble not to mention thoughtful of his friend to take the time on the eve of the new semester! yes, that's what the two boys are doing.

then i thought that i needed to ask a dear friend of mine whom i have known since high school for his opinion because he is deeply entrenched in the world of academia, was a former pupil at the school and just deals with this sort of stuff more regularly than most. well, he too sent his thoughts (and still managed to get to the airport in time to catch a flight to mexico with his family). so i feel that we have a lot of people rooting for us, for steve. we are very lucky. these people have gone out of their way to help someone (good karma awaits them!!!)

so i feel very positive about 2009. four days have past and i can sense already that this is going to be a really great year in many respects. just when you start to lose hope in humanity (that was how i felt by the end of 2008) people start coming out of the woodwork to offer their advice and time.

thank you, thank you and thank you. you know who you are and we are so grateful.

xo

goals for 2009

2008-12-27T08:52:00.003-05:00

as 2008 comes to a close i am preparing my list of goals for the coming year. i do this not because i am goal motivated but rather it helps to keep what's important to me in the front of my mind. i need lists. they keep me on track. they keep me focused. then at the end of the year, i am able to see what i was able to accomplish, what still needs to be done and of course what i failed to do!

so here goes my list for 2009:

financial-come up with the remaining down payment for my condo by year's end
fitness-climb three times a week, cycle and practice yoga on a daily basis
dietary-eat well, eat in moderation, eat healthy
creative-work on ideas for a children's book i have in mind which deals with depression
charity-donate time to various individuals whether it's business related or part of a charitable organization
business-service existing clients as best as i can, increase number of clients
family-help mum with her wonderful new show "auntie farty"
environment-ride bike as soon as this shitty winter weather stops-come spring weather sooon!!!!

so there it is!

the ruins

2008-11-25T16:32:00.008-05:00

i wanted to pass on an incredible collection of poems that i read a few weeks ago entitled the ruins. i read a couple of them on my own but was treated to an entire reading by steve. i was so moved.

steve is a wonderfully talented poet whose words resonated with me.

for a copy of the ruins please email steve directly:

kinnear.steve@gmail.com

take me down to paradise city where the grass is green...

2008-10-28T11:41:00.007-04:00

it would be nice one day to be taken down to paradise city where the grass is green and the stigma of mental illness is gone! i am not here to change the world (far too daunting and impossible a task) but to make a difference. and yes in case you are thinking, one person can in fact make a difference.

a friend that i climb with told me while we were climbing a route that "if i want it badly, then it's mine". how delicious is that. so perfect. and boy do i want it badly. so if you want it badly enough (change that is) it's yours for the taking. this is not some ridiculous, utopian way of thinking. it's real, proven.

my mother took on the entire country a few years ago to bring about a ban of pitbulls in the province of ontario. she was up against every organization in canada. the only people who sided with her besides michael bryant were the cops. she felt that the band was necessary to protect the public from the few insanely irresponsible dog owners who own pitbulls. in the wrong hands these dogs are like loaded guns ready to go off at any moment. she was passionate in her beliefs and convictions and managed to pursuade even the most ardent supporters who were against the breed ban.

she then recently took on RBC who were denying my stepfather his right to disability. she spent four long months battling them every single day. every hour was spent sparring with these greedy morons who eventually after several legal threats on mum's behalf, a class action and gallons of tears she got for my stepfather what was rightly his.

so don't despair. it's not about numbers (of course they can help) it's about wanting which in this case is rightfully ours-a paradise city where stigma doesn't exist against those with mental illnesses.

i am not ready to make nice with those who stigmatize mental illness

2008-10-27T11:13:00.005-04:00

"i am not ready to make nice with those who stigmatize mental illness"

this morning while i was checking the daily news over the internet i learned that a very good friend of mine from high school had killed herself.

we were at school for four years, shared a room at least half a dozen times, spent weekends together with her family in cambridge and even went to spain for two weeks with other girls from our year on a school camping trip.

she was incredibly bright, the most spirited girl, fearless and hugely popular. everyone wanted to know her, be around her. she was so much fun.

it is so painful knowing that she suffered from depression, alcohol and drug abuse. most of this suffering was no doubt in silence. stigma prevents one from speaking out about one's feelings and the disease itself carries the person deep inside themselves so that they are not able to think about anything else, anyone else-it's that consuming.

i believe that it is stigma that kills people with mental illness. there is still so much stigma attached to the disease which really is disgraceful quite frankly since it is no different from suffering from a type of cancer, a genetic disease such as diabetes. and yet no one stigmatizes someone with either cancer or diabetes. it's shocking to think that people are so ignorant, mean, vicious- basically barbaric.

i vowed a few years ago to spend the rest of my life speaking up on the disease. it's a very arduous but necessary job. i am not backing down for anyone. i will continue to speak up about my illness openly with the hopes that one day no one will bat an eyelid. i want people to be able to articulate their true feelings openly, freely without the fear of being judged by the many monsters that inhabit our society.

katie was a very good friend of mine and i am devastated that she had to go this way. she was exceptional on so many levels. her death will not be in vain. it provides me with the necessary fuel to continue this long battle with the morons of society who live in shallow little bubbles. shame on you people. open your minds and then i will be ready to make nice with you. until then, shut up and grow up!
POSTED BY ASTRID AT 11:13 AM 0 COMMENTS

2 commentsUpdated 2 minutes ago

James Forbes (Montreal, QC) wrote
at 11:35am
I am truly sorry for the loss of Katie. Many people that I have met over the years suffer from varying degrees of mental illness, and we certainly do not treat them with the decency and respect they deserve.

Part of it is the lack of proper funding and training, part of it is the horrible manner in which the mentally ill are perceived in our culture.

My condolences to everyone in Katie's life...and my congratulations to you for speaking out and deciding to do something about it.

J
Report - Delete

Astrid Fischer wrote
at 11:40am
our society is teeming with morons-i don't care what people think about me, i will continue to speak up for the rest of my life. it is my mission in life to bust the stigma on mental illness.
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woofie RIP

2008-10-26T21:11:00.003-04:00

this evening i received the devastating news that one of the dogs that we have taken care of died at 1 early this morning. beowolf or "woofie" as he was affectionately called was an irish wolfhound who weighed over 120 lbs. walking him was like walking a pony along the streets of toronto and i would often get remarks about how large he was! but what people never knew was that woofie was the gentle giant to the world. he was the most noble, elegant dog who was loved by both canines and humans. he trotted along with such elegance and oozed a certain joie de vivre.

as my mother and i mourn his loss, these photos were taken a few days ago by a talented canine photographer who managed to capture the essence of what woofie stood for. take a look at woofie:

http://scruffydogphotography.com/blog/

woofie we love and miss you so much!

every time you fill your car with gas you are financing terroists

2008-10-18T18:26:00.003-04:00

i was on my way to rock oasis this morning with my brother and before we decided to get some climbing in we popped into second cup for a hot chocolate. sipping our drinks like school children, we got caught up on all the news that has been bombarding our brains for the last few months: the elections, the bailout, energy and terrorism.

we agreed on everything which is rare in our family. obama for president, the bailout was sort of necessary (i had been adamantly opposed to it until i heard my brother's point this morning), the need for alternative energy and wait.... the connection between filling up our cars with gas and funding terrorism.

we stayed on this last topic because it was like i was having an ephiphany of sorts. every time we fill up our cars with gas, we are sending money to saudi arabia, venezuela, to countries that fund terrorists. why the hell has no politician made this connection and come out public with it?

this connection is key to: a) saving the environment because of the pollution it creates in not only extracting it but also in using it and b) since the word terrorist is about the worst possible word now in the english language, people should be moved enough by that word to call their local politicians to expedite the movement for cleaner fuels (wind, solar, geo thermal and wave).

it certainly makes me think twice as i refill my gas tank. wow, i am funding terrorists and of course doing further damage to the environment.

as of three months ago, i have been using my bike daily to get to climbing (15k return trip) and so doing my small bit to diminish my contribution to saudi arabia, venezuela who fund terrorist activity. i am also doing my tiny bit to reduce emissions.

but going back to the connection between filling up your gas tank and contributing to the war on terrorism, i know that no democrat or republican is going to come out and say this. it would be the end of their political career. so why haven't the media been on this? we need to feel guilty. we respond well to guilt!

good times were had lying in the hearse

2008-10-01T22:11:00.000-04:00

this afternoon while i was getting a nail removed from one of my tires, i asked the guys at SPEEDY if i could look inside the hearse that they were repairing.

i naturally asked the obvious question which was whether or not there was a body inside (didn't want to intrude). no, no body! i then asked whether it was okay for me to get inside and lie down just so that i could get that overall feeling of what it must be like to lie in one of these when we go to baby jesus. they were so obliging. so i jumped in (it's a lot higher than it looks!) and then they closed the door so that i could get the full experience.

guess what? it felt good. it felt relaxing. even though i wasn't cushioned by the interior of a coffin, it was remarkably comfortable. i didn't have any feeling of being claustraphobic. just calm. it was very well insulated to i also felt quite at peace from the cacophany going on outside.

so i have news for all of you. the coffin experience is bliss. no need to fear the journey from the funeral home to the crematorium. you travel in style, in comfort and the service is topnotch. it's a bit like going business class really!

the future has never looked brighter for all us mortal beings. we go out with all the pomp and circumstance that we experienced being shot out of our mother's womb.

retribution for those greedy little shits

2008-10-01T08:13:00.000-04:00

i was just on shelter island this past weekend taking a much needed break from the canine world that i inhabit on a daily basis. very much looking forward to the quiet life that the island offers during off season when the new yorkers have gone back to the city. the idea of walks with a seabreeze, bike rides on country roads, dips in the ocean is exciting to a girl who has spent the entire summer city bound.

no such luck! it rained everyday save the last. not wanting to be trapped indoors by the weather, i still went out for my walks, did a bikeride until i got a flat and had to be rescued by my uncle.

when i wasn't walking alone, i was walking with the full timers (those that have decided to make their home on the island all year round). the topic for discussion was the BAILOUT. no surprise to me. i listened, and listened some more after all i was walking with people who were either in the financial industry or retired and i wanted to hear what they had to say about this horrible mess that those with incredible greed got us all into.

bailout, bailout, bailout. i am sorry but i totally disagree with offering these institutions such an option. what happened to ACCOUNTABILITY, RESPONSIBILITY?

when i did something wrong as a child there were CONSEQUENCES. i have a feeling that those in washington and those in on wall street have never heard that word before. when there are consequences to ones actions, one learns to think twice before making that same mistake again. there was never a bailout if i maxed out a credit card. mum and dad were not transferring large sums of money into my bank account so that i could pay for my mistake or poor judgement. it was suck it up. pay or be fucked!

not only do i want these people who got us into this mess be accountable i want retribution. i don't think that they should ever be allowed to work in the financial industry again, should be castrated, and spend the rest of their life in prison cleaning up shit.

they should be made to suffer.

what kind of lesson are we teaching the world if we bail these institutions out? that it's okay to make these quick in and out transactions, giving the most fiscally irresponsible people mortgages, car leases! come on.

a bailout is just a little bandaid and will not solve the problem in the long run.

how is it that washington and wall street can veer away from consequences?

the climbing bug

2008-09-16T21:51:00.000-04:00

two months ago a girl from my spin class asked me to go climbing with her at rock oasis. she kindly offered to be my partner for the beginners class that is a pre-requisite before the instructors let you do your own stuff.

i was hooked as soon as i put my foot on the first hold. it was instant. i knew then that this was something i really wanted to explore. the feeling of calm, the mind completed focused reminded me of my meditation and yoga practice.

as soon as i begin climbing the wall my thoughts of the day disappear, my attention is solely on each movement required getting me to the top. the summit is a rush. it's not only reaching the top but the feeling of expending energy both mental and physical that feels incredible.

i am totally at peace with myself when i climb. very much in the moment. the experience is very much meditation in motion for me except that i don't get a chance to watch the thoughts as a witness as i am too focused on my next move.

i wonder whether my 8 years of practicing and teaching yoga have helped me in my climbing. i certainly don't fear what i am doing. i struggle but know that if i persist i will overcome any obstacle. i learned this a few years ago and so don't even fear a difficult situation. instead i just push ahead and do the work that needs to be done.

i am a mere beginner in my journey as a climber. what is so exciting is that every time i climb, i learn something new, discover new things about climbing, myself and my climbing partner. it's just so delicious.

like everything that i am passionate about (climbing included here) i love devoting my mind and body to the experience/task. i love being that sponge, soaking up every morsel of knowledge that is out there.

climbing is a wonderful compliment to my personality. it brings out all the good and bad, strives me to do better, be a better human being. it's sweet and i am savoring every moment.
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if you can't win a gold then sleep with someone who has

2008-08-24T15:25:00.004-04:00

it seems to me that in order to get your 15 minutes of fame out of these olympic games, you don't need to come home with a gold medal any more. that's right, as long as you come home with someone who has then you are immediately thrust into the same celebrity hyped stratosphere.

take stephanie rice for example. she came home with practically no hardware but because she has been pictured with phelps (who won 8 gold medals) she is receiving the same amount of publicity. so the lesson learned here is that you need to be an okay athlete (just make it to the games) and then as long as you are seen with a big medal winner, the rest is taken care of. so drop the extra 30 hours of training a week as you won't gain any kudos or recognition. keep fit, look hot and trot with the big guns in the village. this is all it takes to get your moment of glory, big endorsements and that much coveted cover on people magazine!

the olympic village turns into giant fuckfest

2008-08-23T20:31:00.001-04:00

okay so now that is a well known fact that the olympic village turns into a massive fuckfest during the games, i have taken it upon myself to rank the various athletes in terms of "most eligible fuck".

here we are:

michael phelps-gold
usein bolt-gold

you can well imagine that all the female athletes have put heavy waigers on either of these two men. let's face it, shagging the fastest man on the planet or the most medalled athlete in the history of the olympic games would be huge feats.

my guess is that both men can have the pick of any female athlete and i don't know about you but i am guessing that bolt is going through them at a pretty speedy rate.

phelps looks more conservative. but then that's the image he projects when he's on the starting block. who knows what he's like after 6 beers. i think he's probably an animal (caged at the moment) but raring to get out in the world.

dara torres-gold
alicia sacramone-gold

dara torres is not only the second fastest woman in the water but has the most amazing physique. the girl (yes she was a mere 16 years old) who came in with a bronze medal looked flabby, loose and out of shape next to torres. so an encounter with torres is worth gold for two reasons. first her age (41). she is the oldest female athlete to medal so that carries gold and then the fact that she is the second fastest woman in the water (the fastest was no great beauty and besides she was in her twenties-these athletes are a dime a dozen).

alicia is actually quite a sexy girl when you remove her ponytail and leotard. i have seen photos of her where she actually looks hot and more like an 18 year old (rather than the 9-12 year old look that is so coveted amongst the gymnastics community ). she would be a catch because of her team silver and more importantly is ranked a gold in my book just for having adult teeth (another rarity in gymnastics these days).

NB these projections were not scientifically calculated nor were they the result of months of hard work from any reputable accounting firm.

really hit home

2008-08-23T12:53:00.002-04:00

the eric lamaze success story last week has really had a profound effect on me. i could really empathize with him and all the obstacles he has faced throughout his life because i have battled my fair share of demons-depression.

battling mental illness all my life has been tough on me, tough on my family, tough on my friends. what has helped me through my darkest moments in life is my mother who continues to this day to be my sole supporter. she has never given up on me ever. i believe we only need one person like this in our lives. i am lucky that i have had that one person because i know that there are those who are less fortunate.

i have had friends, family and clients give up on me. comments like "i hate it when you are going through your manic phase" are common and of course very hurtful. it would be like telling someone with cancer "to stop going through chemotherapy because it really is annoying and inconvenient when you are not yourself!" yes imagine telling that to someone! we would never dream of saying those words but let me tell you that one of my dearest friends told me on many occasions how people would just ignore her when they bumped into her on the street or stop calling her to see how she was doing. luckily she is alive today and has fully recovered from her cancer. however recovering from the hurtful and i think shameful actions and words of her friends might take more than a lifetime.

i have been told by so many people how to live my life. "stop living at home" (i have been doing this to save money for my condo and happen to love my family life 99% of the time). "work less and play more" right! that's easier said than done when you consider that one of the people in the house is not working at the moment because he is completely incompacitated from his heavy dose of chemo that he undergoes weekly. bills have to be paid.

i am starting to feel vindicated now. the condo is being built, my business is flourishing (thanks to long hard hours and no holidays), i am physically in the best shape of my life, and have finally found an interest that has captivated my attention like no other-rock climbing!

i have also spent the last year and a half being single. this has allowed me to fill my life with the things that i really love doing. i have nobody leaning on me, nobody to check in with. it's my life and i am embracing this moment as much as i can.

i have strived very hard all my life to be financially independent. this to me is one of the most important things that i can do for myself. i never want to have to rely on anyone financially. it gives me the "fuck off" ability that i so desperately need when those ghastly people somehow creep into our life unexpectedly. without that financial independence we are stuck with some seriously hideous people and moments that i would rather do without. alas i can now but it has taken many, many years of hard, hard work.

eric lamaze for so many years has had to deal with some pretty shallow, slimy, god awful people. he has needed them in order to support himself. now, he has his medals, his glory and the ability to lead a life without them if he choses to do so. this is the ultimate freedom for all of us. to be in a position to not depend on someone.

eric lamaze is a true hero

2008-08-23T11:09:00.005-04:00

i love nothing more than to hear about someone who has struggled with adversity for years and then overcome this to go on to do huge things with their life. welcome eric lamaze! now a 40 year old man with a gold and silver olympic medal to his name, many people did not have high hopes or expectations for him when he was growing up.

he can now move forward to the present (relishing his amazing success) and look forward to a wonderful future. your spirit, grit and determination to overcome some very tough obstacles makes you a true hero.

congratulations!

a wow moment for all

2008-08-23T10:48:00.002-04:00

like many canadians, i sat glued to the television last thursday watching eric lamaze ride to gold in the jump off at the beijing games. it was an utterly compelling moment and for me the highlight of theses olympic games.

there is nothing sweeter in life than being vindicated by those people who try to shun us at the very things we excel at. in the case of eric lamaze it was his inherent ability to ride any horse at any time and win. he was a natural from the start who was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth like so many in the horsey set. no he came onto this planet via a drug addict mother, an absent father, no siblings. he lacked what many of us take for granted- the infrastructure of a stable family there to guide us in life.

all those who sat there in judgement of his past behaviour will no doubt be eating large amounts of humble pie. those people are the hoitey toitey set who drive expensive cars, live in mansions and order people around 24/7. they are also the very people who have little natural ability to ride and instead purchase expensive horses who then pay people like eric to ride them to victory. it's all about status for them. so in the case of eric lamaze and his chequered past (cocaine) this sort of humiliated them because for these people it's all about projecting a life of perfection. to have the perfect family (includes trophy wife), the beautiful children, the status job (finance or law) and to masquerade as human beings with zero flaws. they like to make the rounds with others who project perfection too. life is perfect for these people.

eric's past would have seriously ruffled their feathers. enough to shun him from their circle of friends. of course the very people that shunned him from their lives are the very ones who forgot his incredible ability as a rider. his behaviour in their eyes overshadows any ability. they are not able to see beyond an imperfect being.

so yes, he is very much vindicated today. i hope that those ghastly people in this circle feel really stupid (they look stupid-to see what i mean check out the photos of the horse show section of the royal winter fair to see a vast collection of some of the ugliest, dumbest people in ontario!)

this gold medal that erick has won will give him what i like to call "the fuck off" ability. he doesn't need a lot of those rich people anymore as people from all over the country and the world will be flocking to his stables and begging him to train them to be the best in the sport. how sweet that will feel!

the comings and goings of the flaneur

2007-12-23T13:36:00.000-05:00

"people watching" or what the french refer to as the flaneur is a late nineteenth century invention. it came about because people had more time to themselves as a result of the the industrial revolution. suddenly there was less need for man power as machines began slowly replacing them. naturally this brought about more free time and in the case of the parisians, "people watching". along the boulevards of paris, sitting down in the rows of chairs and tables to gaze at people all day long!

imagine putting in a few hours at work and then heading over to your neighborhood cafe (les deux magots for instance) and iddling for hours on outdoor patios watching pedestrians walk by. what a wonderful idea. more down time at last because machines translate very nicely into the idea of cultivating the individual. this could take place as the arts were heavily endorsed during this period in history,

people during this time would spend hours at the cafe with friends discussing the big political issues of the day, artists such as writers would ponder their next book or paper and the painters of the day would discuss the academy versus the salon des refuses. if they weren't taking part in any of those discussions then they played the role of the flaneur watching the dandies walk pass with parasol and cane in hand.

fast forward 100 years and the industrial revolution continues to revolutionalize the way we do things. everything is expedited as a result of computers and the vast array of technology that floods our senses. one would expect to have even more time to play the role of the flaneur or dandy but here lies the irony. as technology advances (which theoretically should mean less people doing the job) it has actually meant more hours at work with even less time to play.

summertime provides moments of the past with people sitting at outdoor patios or cafes but most are engaged not in the passerby but in themselves or their blackberries. it is very rare to walk along the streets and just see people watching other people. in fact today we might even categorize the flaneur as a kind of creepy concept!

the last time i witnessed a pause in peoples daily life was during that hellish blackout that took place all along the north east coast of north america where for almost 24 hours time stood still. we all found ourselves without power which meant no tv, computer or radio time. for the first time in many decades we actually had to entertain ourselves through talk and play.

i remember those 24 hours vividly. i am in the park everyday with my dogs and it is usually only dogs and their owners who inhabit the park or small children accompanied by either their nannies or parents playing in the playground. two groups-dogs, kids. the rest of the park is empty.

but during those 24 hours of no electrical power, i witnessed hundreds of families, couples and kids playing, talking and laughing. they were all outside instead of huddled over their computers or watching another soap.

that same period the flaneur emerged after going dormant for years. he appeared because the choice of daily activities were limited for a short period and limited to the outdoors (no lights). we were all living in the moment, visible to everyone instead of hiding indoors.

what a glorious 24 hour period that blackout turned out to be. the flaneur reemerged after years of disappearing. but once the lights were back on, he disappeared and has yet to be seen.
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Updated about 3 weeks ago

the key to a successful relationship is SEPERATE BEDROOMS

2007-12-23T13:35:00.001-05:00

restless legs, insomnia, snoring, sleep apnea. if your partner suffers from any of these then it's time to move into seperate bedrooms in order to save your relationship.

we all know that lack of sleep produces the phrase "bitch from hell" and that is not something that is particularly pleasant if you have to deal with it on a regular basis.

i am kind of old fashioned. i like the idea of two bedrooms connected by a bathroom. you can invite him over for some "sexy time" and vice versa. then it's back to your room (without the walk of shame) and into your nice warm cosy bed (your dog has been keeping it steamy warm for you!!) and off to bed to get all that beauty sleep that we so need.

you are never disturbed, woken up by your companion ever again and if you are on an amish schedule like me and he is a night owl like most people you never have to worry. solved one of the biggest problems for you all right here.

try it. i know next time i am in relationship i am going to insist on seperate bedrooms. keeps things fresh and new. you now never have to lie next to a snore ever again!!!!!

bonne nuit

you want a green christmas-follow these simple instructions

2007-12-23T13:33:00.000-05:00

1. no tree (real or fake)
2. no turkey (millions are killed so we can enjoy a meal)
3. no wrapping paper whatsoeve
4. no christmas lights (wasting energy)
5. no christmas cards-complete waste of paper when the card will only be looked at and then thrown away in the new year's garbage. just call your friend or family up and wish them merrry christmas and get them to visualize something pretty!!

give small gifts all year round to friends and family. stop with the present binging twice a year.

eat something different over the holidays. we already killed millions of turkeys two months ago. give them a break. try beef, pork or some veggie substitute

put your gifts your are giving in a hiding place. then when you are ready to give that person a gift the surprise element is already there. paper is not going to add to the element of surprise.

ask people what they want or need. don't get them something that wont be useful. they will only throw it away. i promise you!

to be trully green-either stay married, don't get married

2007-12-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

one of the most damaging types of behaviour that is considered harmful to the environment is divorcing. this is not green behaviour!

divorce means divving up everything and going alone. so now instead of one house, you have two, instead of one car, there are two and all the electricity necessary to run a house regardless of whether or not 20 people live there is now suddenly doubled.

if you want to be kind and respectful towards the environment consider staying married (counselling can help) or just don't get married. this last option is rarely exercised in north america because people are marriage obsessed! europeans (i am not talking about the brits here) have what are called companions. you may have one for 5 years, 10 years, 15 years but marriage is never on the cards.

as companions you could cohabit (as long as you don't seperate) or you could live next door to one another (like tim burton and helena bonham carter). hey why not. you have all your space, most likely a few tennants lirking about to help pay the house bills and then if you are feeling frisky or in need of some tlc that companion is just next door. the perfect neighbour. no one is cramping your space or style.

europeans often have roomates to help pay the bills. when i was living in london there were 6 of us sharing a house. this was a green living situation. one house holding 6 twenty somethings. we didn't need our own houses but more realistically couldn't afford to set off on our own yet.

when my condo is finally built, i think i am going to do the green thing and have a roomate. i am so used to living with others and having to share that the thought of going home to a place where only i live (plus my 3 dogs) seems kind of depressing.

go green but really embrace the emotional side/financial side this year.

an absolute disgrace

2007-12-23T13:29:00.000-05:00

so for those who didn't get round to reading the front page of the toronto star this morning i will fill you in on the top story:

a 13 year old boy who is a boarder at the world renowned national ballet school (toronto, ontario) has been charged with 7 counts of assault on students ranging the ages of 11 and 12.

now i will preface by saying this: i don't know the boy who has been charged and i haven't spoken to the students involved so if it is a case of assault then the following note should be disregarded altogether.

here is what i suspect has occured: the boy was young, talented and very attractive and was most likely fooling around with the students (whom i assume are girls but i may be wrong). the girls got together, shared their story and then one after another started to feel violated and then discussed their strategy. the boy probably fooled around with a lot of students and then moved on to the next and this pained a lot of them because they felt used and unloved.

well let me tell you how it is since i was at a mixed prep school in england where all sorts of hanky panky went on everyday. after dinner, we would head to the attic of the art room and do everything but have sex. we were 11, 12 and 13 at the time. this is what hormonal, sexual experimental teenagers do for christs sake.

our relationships would last at most several weeks and then there would be a new special person we would get together. this was all normal teenager behaviour at a mixed prep school. ask any man or woman who has been part of a mixed boarding school program in the uk and they will say the same thing.

these girls (assuming it was a case of sour grapes) have ruined this boy's life forever. they have ruined his career as a dancer, and how do you think he is going to feel even if he's exonerated of all charges? my feeling is that the boy will sink into a deep depression and probably commit suicide. a very sad but realistic probability!

once again, if these charges of assault are genuine then of course the boy should be punished accordingly. but i suspect that he was a very sexual, attractive, physically mature 13 year old and the younger girls thought he was just amazing. i wouldn't doubt for a minute either that he was unpopular. one doesn't just assault 7 students like that at his age.

lithium would be my equivalent to being creatively circumsized

2007-11-01T19:32:00.000-04:00

had a great chat with my doc today where we discussed a number of subjects.

firstly, i am feeling quite a bit better thanks to the sedatives she prescribed to me which i take at bedtime. i had forgotten what a good night's sleep felt like as it had been months since i had actually slept through the night! the only people who can probably empathize are nursing mothers or others in my boat.

just two good nights has made a massive difference on my coping mechanisms. i am not tearful, can handle the day to day chores and more importantly don't feel the intense anxiety that i have carried around with me 24/7 for the past 9 months. sometimes it was so bad that i felt like my heart was about to exit my chest cavity with such velocity and force. quite frankly it's a little bit scary!!

so we are keeping up with the sedatives. let's not change a good thing right!

paxil which was prescribed to me about 6 years ago for anxiety as i was supposed to be heading off to officer candidate school in the us (before i went awol) has zero effect anymore (it's supposed to really help with anxiety). the more i take the more anxious i feel, the more anxious i feel, the less sleep i get, the less sleep i get and one has the perfect ingredients for an emotional implosion (which is what happened to me last week). not very pleasant i am telling you.

so under doc's instructions, we are weaning off the paxil, and in a week or so, adding effexor to my drug cocktail. once i am off the paxil, she will add some mood stabilizers into the mix.

i am in very good hands at the moment, being the compliant patient because i want to get better as quickly as possible.

mental illness is all consuming and borders on levels of narcicism that i am not comfortable with. the sooner i am better, the sooner i can help contribute to society. trust me, i am not someone who delights in playing the role of the patient. i am not into munchhausen!

last week was a close call. i almost checked myself into the queen st west facility to remove myself from all the external stimuli that has been nagging away at me for months. what stopped me?

the horror stories that the facility was subpar (not in terms of care) but very institutional. i wasn't quite ready for my latest label "mental patient". perhaps i will be more comfortable with that as i mature and when the words "metal patient" don't startle someone (this i realize may take some time)

told to wean myself off caffeine which i am doing. was quaffing 3-4 ventis a day which probably wasn't helping with my anxiety. now i order a tall and the drink several ventis worth of camomile tea. this is no big sacrifice.

mood stabilizers were part of our discussion this morning and of course lithium came up. my doc did mention that it might leave me feeling a bit flat or numb and given my proclivities for writing etc, didn't really seem like the right mood stabilizer for me.

my grandfather (who's dead now) took it and he often went off it because it left him too dull for words. he was a brilliant, eccentric individual and i think lithium killed his spirit hence the on/off relationship he had with it.

although i have yet to take lithium i think it would be a kin to being creatively circumsized and i am not at all prepared to do that at the moment. perhaps if things get so out of hand i will allow them to remove my so called "artistic clitoris". but i love my clitoris-it's one of my pleasure points. who wants to dull those senses? not me!

ect-sounds like a rather good idea

2007-11-01T19:31:00.000-04:00

when you have been diagnosed as suffering from bipolar disorder, it does i believe give you a cart blanche to utter some pretty ridiculous things without people taking you too seriously.

take for example this morning at my shrinks office. after giving her the requisite synopsis of my past week i went on to ask about electric convulsive therapy. no it wasn't one of my usual non sequitors. there was a point to the words spilling out of my mouth.

i told her that i was fed up of feeling like "damaged goods" and that it really was bothering me having to tell any new boyfriend "hey, just thought you should know that i am bipolar!" i did this once and the relationship ended immediately.

listen i am not looking for a quick fix. i am not that naive. but i do sometimes wish that these so called "mental problems" would disappear forever. hence the ect conversation i had with my doc.

i felt like i had to sell myself as a great candidate for this treatment. i said, "listen, i am single, have no children, no dependents but my dogs and this is the perfect time in my life to experiment with something like ect."

she didn't look shocked when i told her this. remember she has been treating my mother for 15 or so years and knows our entire family history. she just thought that i wasn't in a severe enough condition to warrant ect.

i kind of like the idea of ect especially when she told me that it would erase some of my memory. "wow, sounds perfect because i have had such a crappy year and would love to forget about it!" she responded to my remarks by saying that the memory would come back. shit. shit. shit.

ect would require me to be sedated. i would then have to have follow up treatments sort of like botox where you go in once a month for a little touch up. i could deal with a little touch up. i am a big girl. the great thing about ect is that ohip covers it. yes that means that i don't have to fork out copious amounts of money on psychotropic drugs every month. love that idea.

perhaps on my next visit in two weeks time, i can pitch my ect idea to her once again. i am curious about the procedure and to be quite honest a little bit fascinated being my own little guinea pig.

stay tuned for more...

"alive day"

2007-10-21T15:50:00.000-04:00

"alive day"

picture this: you and your comrades are riding in your light armored vehicle on the roads outside the green zone in bagdad. there are possibly four of you in the vehicle, paying minute attention to all that is going on around you. there is no time for the mind to waver, wander as anything can happen and does happen. then all of a sudden your life as you have known it changes in a matter of seconds. that's right, an improved explosive device (ied) goes off!

two of you die instantly while the other two are confronted with "alive day", that very moment you would probably have died had this not been the year 2007, but didn't. instead of death, you are dealing with two missing legs that have are strewn along the road, severe burns to the arms and one arm so badly injured due to shrapnel wounds that it will most likely be amputated within the next hour of so.

this is your "alive day" the day you should have died but as a result of state of the art medicine you are alive. but at what cost?

that able bodied individual who was able to do everything for themself is now confronted with the reality of dependence on other people for the rest of their life. the physical wounds are severe requiring multiple surgeries and months of rehab at the walter reed medical centre. you don't remember the first 12 days because you were placed in a medical induced coma because of brain injury.

once the swelling goes down and you are out of danger, you begin your life with a physical therapist but that's not before several visits to the prosthesis department where you are outfitted with two false legs and an arm. you are face with a dilemna: do you opt for the claw and spend the rest of your life being stared at because you look like some robotic mutant or do you opt for the silicone arm that doesn't really look real but is more aesthetically appealing than the ugly claw!

once you have your new gear that will be on you for the rest of your living years, you then spend hours upon hours learning how to walk again and function as a changed human being.

you don't look so weird or different at walter reid because everyone is grappling with some kind of permanent/semi permanent injury. it's not until you leave the facility that your "alive day" moment starts to sink in as you take the first steps as a civilian again.

this is what surviving the attrocieties of war means. people seldom succomb to their injuries anymore. instead they survive them and are reminded of them for the rest of their lives.

add to this the post traumatic stress disorder (ptsd) and you are basically in hell.

after watching the documentary entitled "alive day" home from iraq, i asked myself whether i would prefer to be dead than saved with three missing limbs. i know i would chose death over salvation!

it was a pretty sobering documentary whereby james gandolfini (sopranos) interviews iraqi war veterans over their "alive days". each story was more devastating than the last but i kept on watching not as some kind of sick war voyeur but because these peoples stories deserved to be heard. i believe it was my duty to be informed of the attrocities that have occured to these people serving their country.

before the closing credits, we were fed some devastating statistics that also made me think about a few things. okay so at this point the total lives lost in iraq is over 3,800. that is 3,800 too many as far as i am concerned. but the numbers of injured exceeded 27,000. now not all injuries accounted for amount to the level of those i mentioned or the ones featured in the documentary. but i bet the numbers are still high. very high.

improved medicine is a wonderful idea. however, there comes a point where one needs to ask is is better to be dead and to have lived life to the fullest? or is it better to survive and live a physically and mentally compromised life? these are tough choices/questions but certainly worth thinking about!

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and Dr David Goldbloom

2007-10-03T13:45:00.000-04:00

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and David Goldbloom Oct 1/07

I thought that walking through the halls for The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) to meet with Dr David Goldbloom would be a rather surreal experience. You see the last time I had stepped inside this building was nearly seven years ago when I was here not as a journalist interviewing one of the many medical professionals who work here, but rather for my own assessment where I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I sat down with David in his office where I asked the questions that plague the millions of people who suffer from mental illness. The following conversation took place during Mental Awareness Week at 250 College Street.

Astrid Fischer: David what is your official title at CAMH?

David Goldbloom: My official title is Senior Medical Advisor Education in Public Affairs.

AF: Why did you choose the field of Psychiatry within Medicine?

DG: When I first went into medicine I didn’t know where I was going to end up. I enjoyed everything. I enjoyed Pediatrics, Surgery, areas of Internal Medicine. When I did my Psychiatry training, the complexity and the challenge of the problems that people experience seemed far more engaging for me than somebody with congestive heart failure or diabetes. Psychiatry forced you to merge and marry psychology, biology, culture and the fact that you are seeing highly reproducible symptoms in the unique life experience of an individual. So that contrast between reproducibility and uniqueness was intriguing for me. It made for phenomenal stories of human experience and yet it still allowed me to do something as a physician to help people. So that’s probably what drew me in or intrigued me about it.

When I counsel medical students about what specialty they should go into they ask me how do I make a decision? I tell them that there are three principles: you like it, it likes you and you think you could be good at it. If the answer is yes to all three of those then it’s a reasonable thing to consider.

On the way I have been exposed to some very charismatic leaders in Psychiatry who were very inspiring for me. So probably that whole confluence!

AF: Can you name some of those people who were so inspiring for you?

DG: Sure. One of those was my father-in-law Nate Epstein who was the founding Chairman of Psychiatry at McMaster University and then Head of Psychiatry at Brown University in Rhode Island. He was really a legendary figure in Canadian Psychiatry. I had the good fortune of being his son-in-law. I come from a long line of doctors but they are all in Pediatrics so it was time to break out of the family mould!

AF: So there was no Mental Illness in your family that triggered this interest?

DG: You know there is Mental Illness in everyone’s family. I have yet to encounter a family where Mental Illness isn’t a reality. Certainly it’s a reality in my own family but I wouldn’t say it was the driving force for me to go into Psychiatry.

AF: This is Mental Health Awareness Week and I was wondering what CAMH’s main objective was during this time? Is it about busting the stigma? Or is it about bringing awareness to people?

DG: I think by making people more aware has multiple benefits. One of them is the reduction of stigma or more frankly discrimination. A lot of people will tell you that stigma is the polite word for what is really discrimination. Raising the level of literacy around mental health and mental illness is the second thing. Encouraging people to get help is a very important third goal. We already know from our Transforming Lives Campaign that CAMH has been running for the past couple of years that it has resulted in the increase in visits to our emergency room.

I did a public forum for parents at a school about a year or so ago with a young kid who was about 16 or 17 who had been at our treatment program for substance abuse and he had been fairly heavily into cocaine. I just met him the night of the presentation and he spoke very forcibly to this crowd of anxious parents who were worried about their own teenagers. One of the parents asked him how he decided to do something about his heavy cocaine addiction. And he replied by telling them that he had heard one day one of those ads on the radio that CAMH does and decided to call them. That was an incredibly important first step for this kid into recovery. So there’s huge spin off. It moves in other directions too. I am speaking this week at a law firm downtown as part of their “lunch and learn” series. I will talk about mental health issues in the workplace because it is actually the number one issue in the workplace. It’s the number one cause of disability. What you hope is that you start to change the culture and the climate. I think you have to be modest about the goals. If you get your toe in the door around this issue then it’s a good start. So I really think it’s a multi pronged initiative.

AF: There are three issues that come up repeatedly amongst those suffering from mental illness: the shortage of psychiatrists available to treat people, the shortage of good psychiatrists and then there is the huge cost of medication.

DG: Let me tackle all of those questions. We don’t have enough psychiatrists based on the way the system is organized right now and based on what people expect of psychiatrists. If you ask most people what would you want in a psychiatrist. They would say it would be someone they could see on a weekly basis (kind of open ended) to talk about how their life is going and to help them get on top of their problems. Well if you apply that model, then that psychiatrist if he/she works 40 hours a week, that psychiatrist has 40 patients. Unless the patients move away, die or lose interest, they are going to be with that psychiatrist indefinitely. A typical family doctor will have 2000 patients in his/her practice compared to 40!

In Britain the model is quite different from Canada in psychiatric services in two respects. First, primary care physicians (general practitioners, family doctors) shoulder more of the responsibility for primary care aspects of mental illness and mental health. Second, psychiatrists function more as consultants. This allows them to see a greater number of people because they are not seeing them in a kind of primary care content. This also allows them to provide some indirect care, consulting to teams, doctors who look after people.

There needs to be a major shift in the organization and also in the expectation of services from a psychiatrist. Most of the benefit from seeing a psychiatrist happens in the first couple of sessions. That is the steep part of the curve in terms of benefit. Then things start to level off. People then get familiar and comfortable with each other. This is much less work than having to see new patients all the time.

As to good psychiatrists, everyone who has a license to practice psychiatry has passed an exam. That doesn’t necessarily make them good. That makes them good enough! Once you are over that threshold there is another huge range of people and we could talk about what makes someone objectively good in terms of skill or subjectively good, and by that I mean “this person is a good psychiatrist is good for me.” So a lot of it is about that interactional fit between any one individual and any psychiatrist. It’s all about the goodness of fit. Beyond a fundamental competency level there has to be the right kind of chemistry between you and that person.

The third thing that you asked about was the cost of medications. Some of the medications are extremely expensive. Most of them are covered by the Ontario Drug Benefit formulary for people who are in public assistance or elderly. Where it really hits people hard is people who are working, or working poor. It’s very very painful. I have to tell you that there is a bit of a double standard in this area. The cost associated with treating diabetes is very high or cancer is extraordinarily high. You get people saying “but those are real” or “those are worth every penny-you gotta treat those!” Some of the concerns with psychiatric medications is the idea that it is somehow a luxury. I don’t believe it is. I should say that some of the older psychiatric drugs which cost pennies rather than dollars are as effective as the newer psychiatric drugs. One of the examples that I am talking about is Lithium which is a very inexpensive medication and off patent. But this drug is out prescribed ten to one by anti convulsive drugs for Bipolar Disorder. Not because those anti convulsive are better but simply because they are newer and they are more heavily marketed by industry. So there are ways of bringing down the cost for psychiatric drugs and some of that relates to using some of the older drugs. People operate on the assumption that newest is best and that is not always the case.

AF: Thank you very much David for taking the time to answer some of my questions.

DG: Thank you!

Josh Bezonsky wrote
at 11:48pm on October 2nd, 2007
Astrid you are a great writer and interviewer and we all greatly benefit from your curiosity. Thanks for delving into these matters so fearlessly.
Message - Delete

Amy Waldman (MATC Milwaukee) wrote
at 9:18am
Great piece, Astrid! I'm going to forward it to my Alexandra, who wants to be a doc.
Message - Delete
Post a Reply

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and Jean Geary

2007-10-03T13:44:00.001-04:00

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and Jean Geary Sept 19/07

I had the good fortune of hooking up with Jean Geary through a good friend of mine who had worked at CAMH for a number of years. I had initially contacted Jean to discuss the possibility of being just one of the many faces for CAMH’s Awareness Campaign. My meeting with her revealed much about the work and planning behind the campaign to bring about increased awareness of mental illness and also to make sure more people know about the facilities that exist at CAMH.

Astrid Fischer: What is your exact title at CAMH?

Jean Geary: I am Director of Foundation Communication and I work for the CAMH Foundation.

AF: How long have the campaigns been going on?

JG: We began the Awareness Campaign in May 2005 so we are in our third year.

AF: I am very curious about how you actually go about measuring the success of the Awareness Campaign?

JG: We have different ways in which we measure the effectiveness of the Awareness Campaign. We measure awareness of CAMH within the community once a year. We measured it when we started and also pre campaign. When we started we were 32% aware and I think now we are at about 54% aware of CAMH. We have had a big increase in the number of people who know who we are. We also measure calls to our call centre which is a really good indicator as to whether people are paying attention and responding to the ads. We found that calls to the information centre increased by about 80% over the previous years. This represents literally about 20,000 calls a year. So we are almost doubling the volume of calls for people asking for help. We have some anecdotal measures too where we hear stories of people who have seen the ads and called for help and the good outcome as a result of reacting to them.

Amy Sky told a beautiful story at one of our fundraiser events. A woman had heard her on the radio and she was suffering from post partum depression and found help. So we know through those stories plus the 20,000 calls a year that people are finding the help they need.

AF: You have the Awareness Campaign that comes out in print. What about radio?

JG: Yes we are big on radio. We have also started experimenting with transit shelters. In a matter of days you will be seeing Lincoln Alexander the former Lieutenant Governor of Ontario on transit shelters throughout the city talking about the message “I have fought prejudice my whole life and now I am fighting it for the mentally ill.” He lost his father to mental illness so his story is quite compelling.

AF: How do you choose the faces for the Campaign?

JG: Well, it’s challenging. We have a mix of celebrities and non celebrities and sometimes people who have received treatment here at CAMH will say to their clinician “I would be happy to share my story if I thought it would help someone.”

We are fortunate that the clinicians will then tell us and then we have a process where we work with them and talk to them to make sure it’s the right decision for them at the time to go forward and publicly share their story. Sometimes people will just come forward of their own volition and say they want to share their story to help someone else. We have a fundraiser each year called “The Courage to Come Back Awards” where we honor people who have overcome the challenges of living with addiction and mental illness and they use their experiences to help others. People are nominated through that process. Often through the nomination process we will uncover people whose stories are compelling.

With the celebrities that can be a bit trickier. Sometimes we will just read about someone in the paper and we will notice that they have alluded to addiction or mental illness in the past. Then we will try to make contact with that person and explain to them what we are doing and hopefully bring them on board.

AF: Is this something that you do yourself?

JG: Yes. We also have a network of very engaged volunteers here at the Foundation and so they may have a personal contact with someone and then bring them in. Other times we might just cold call them.

AF: How many faces for the Campaign do you run a year?

JG: The first year we had seven, the second year we added four and this current year we had six.

AF: So do the faces go up for two months and are then taken down?

JG: We sort of have a spring wave and a fall wave. Sometimes we will run them all in each wave and at other times we will focus on three stories in the spring and another three in the fall. But we immortalize them all on the website.

AF: What is CAMH’s hiring policy regarding those with mental illness?

JG: Gosh you are asking me a tough question! I could refer you to someone who could tell you exactly what the hiring policies are.

AF: If I came in and asked to work as your assistant and told you that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder how would my application be treated?

JG: We would look at the application in the same way as if someone came in and told us they had diabetes.

AF: Are there people here who work at CAMH and are very upfront about any mental illness they may have?

JG: We have a group of staff at CAMH who have been open about the challenges that they face.

AF: But that must be once they have been hired?

JG: Yes probably but I don’t think that I am the best person to speak about that. I don’t know if people would be upfront about their illness during the interview process.

AF: I ask this because I believe in total honesty and I often wonder at what point would my honesty get me into trouble and prevent me from getting work?

JG: It wouldn’t prevent you from getting work here, I can assure you. I think what you are talking about is slightly different but we do have a program where we offer transitional employment for people who have been severely ill. One in four people are affected with mental illness.

AF: Oh I know that!!

Well Jean thank you so much for offering up some of your time to talk about something that I am so passionate about. I really do appreciate it.

vertigo,depression and exhaustion

2007-09-29T10:26:00.000-04:00

i knew it was only a question of time when i would fall into an episode of depression. the symptons were becoming more visible as each week passed. exhaustion, the desire to sleep, disinterest in reading, unexplained tearfulness, extreme agitation and irritability and the feeling that nothing was possible and that everything i approached seemed just too bloody difficult and challenging for me.

i had experienced my high where i was queen of my world, everything seemed so easy and my goals were being achieved everyday. my choices were good ones, actually brilliant, my mind extremely clear and i could juggle any amount of tasks with such ease. but with all highs in life we are greeted with equal lows and therein lies the challenges for those of us who suffer from bipolar disorder. i love the highs so much but those lows are just too much for me to handle.

i called my wonderful psychiatrist this week to set up an appointment to discuss my meds. the appointment is this coming thursday. until then i have been instructed to up my meds to 45mg of apo paroxitine (generic form of paxi) every other day. on thursday we will discuss together the possiblity of taking mood stabilizers. we have had this conversation before but just on a hypothetical level. i think now the time has come to talk seriously about them. i am ready, i am prepared to do what is necessary to level my mood swings because my journey in life takes a rather inconsistent route from time to time.

what is killing me at the moment is that i have so much writing to do and the exhaustion from my depression has kept me away from my computer. it is so frustrating because the intent is there but the energy and concentration is not. there is so much i want to accomplish but just can't seem to get the focus to do it.

my depression is always brought on by events in my life. i have worked every single day since march 2007 only taking two days off last weekend. i know this is definetly one of the catalysts for sparking the latest bout. then there was a rather unfortunate event in my personal life that sort of became the tipping point. i will only say that this individual was rather unsavoury on every level and that i have cut him out of my life completely. but the stress of this event triggered another ailment-vertigo which i have had now for three consecutive days. i have basically been bed sticken and popping copious amounts of gravol to stave off the nausea and dizziness. as you can imagine i have been to drowsy as a result of the pills that speaking coherently has been somewhat of a joke. today marks the first day when i haven't had to pop a gravol and i hope the last for a very long time.

xox

suicide

2007-09-16T10:18:00.001-04:00

suicide
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10:13am Today | Edit Note | Delete
last week i got the news that my mother's sister had attempted suicide by taking an overdose and slitting her wrists. it's the second time this year that she has tried to take her life.

i bring this up because i want to bring to people's attention the importance of finding a loving and caring partner in life. her husband is verbally abusive towards her and the children. he has worked very hard to isolate her from her family by having her completely under his control and watch.

he has disabled her mentally and physically by having her rely on him for absolutely everything from getting money from the bank, navigating an airport, dialling a phone number. she is not able to do anything for herself because he took control early on and she just never learned those basic skills.

many people think that it is flattering to have someone do everything for you. but make no mistake. there is an ulterior motive involved. they do everything so that their partner cannot function on any level without their help.

a few years ago a family rift took place between my aunt and my mother. her husband got involved and we were never allowed to resolve our differences. no resolution took place because he made sure that his wife had no contact ever again with us. the repurcussions of this rift are huge. their son whom we were taking care of no longer sees his extended family and her other son is off, lost in the world.

how can isolating someone from their whole family be healthy/helpful. my aunt was always a fragile being and depended on the emotional support of her older sister, my mother. she has lost her best friend, most ardent supporter in life. as a mother she has watched one of her sons (the one we looked after when he was at boarding school here in toronto) try to kill himself twice last year. both times required hiring a lear jet to rush him to miami to have his stomach pumped from the overdose of paracetemol. her other son, literally came undone in thailand and tried to kill himself. her step daughter's mother succeeded in killing herself last year. 2006 has got to go down as her annus horribulus!

had her husband not severed the ties she had with her family, we may have prevented some of those catastrophes from unfolding. it is just tragic.

we always knew she was marrying a controlling husband. what we didn't calculate or predict was that he would cut her off completely from the family. he really is an evil human being.

the point i want to drive home is that be cautious when it comes to dating controlling men/women. they can do enormous harm to the family entity and there really is nothing that people can do. heed caution. learn from this situation that there are some very unhinged control freaks who project their own insecurities onto their partners.

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and Peter Straker August 29/07

2007-08-29T22:22:00.001-04:00

The Facebook Interviews with Astrid and Peter Straker August 29/07

When I spoke to Pete this afternoon at his home in London, he was cooking dinner for his lovely cleaning lady who has helped him out so much more than just cleaning his house. You see my cousin Pete was diagnosed three years ago with Multiple Sclerosis at the age of 29 in the middle of his surgical career. Within the last three years he has lost his job, been crippled with paralysis in his legs and suffered blurred and lost vision. While the worst of the symptoms are gone, he still needs help from time to time.

He has squeezed so much into his 32 years on this planet, far more than most of us will ever manage to do in a lifetime. I remember him running in the Marathon des Sables in Morocco in order to raise money for MS. He has traveled extensively around the world where he has volunteered his time in hospitals and at other organizations.

Pete has also grown up with a father who has MS and so knows what it is really like growing up with a disability.

He is now writing his memoirs and waiting to hear whether or not he gets the job of a junior psychiatrist.

Below is the conversation we had today.

Astrid Fischer: Where are you in terms of the book you are writing?

Peter Straker: It’s in the cupboard where it has been sitting for a while. I write in fits and starts and leave it because I don’t have the energy and wait till it comes back.

AF: How far are you in terms of pages?

PS: About 200 pages. It’s probably as long as it should ever be but I haven’t finished it. It’s about 70,000 words now and I need to cut about 30,000 and then finish the book. I think first books have to be about 70,000 words long.

AF: Do you have a deadline Pete?

PS: God no! It’s very cathartic for me, but it is not a career. Although I would love it if it got published I am not holding out for that!

AF: When were you diagnosed with having MS?

PS: Probably 2004 but I had my first attack in 2003. But one attack is not a diagnosis. For Multiple Sclerosis you need more than one attack. So I had my second attack in 2004 and that was when the diagnosis was made. That was also when I started to take medicine for it.

AF: What exactly do you mean by an attack?

PS: Basically MS is your immune system attacking your brain and it can happen anywhere in your brain causing any symptoms which depend on what the function of that part of your brain does. So for example if a part of your brain is attacked and inflamed which is the bit that causes strength in your hand then you will get a weak hand. Or if it’s the bit that causes articulacy in speech then you will develop slurred speech. It really depends on where in your brain the attack occurs.

My first attack was vertigo which is such a weird symptom. I didn’t really have any idea about what was causing it. I didn’t suddenly think, God this is MS. Whereas I think if one of my arms had gone weak I am sure I probably would have thought this was MS.

I had vertigo and some visual symptoms. My eyes were flicking around and my vision was very non specifically abnormal. So it is quite hard when you get a symptom like that to really realize what it is. I just carried on working and was fairly comfortable. I was strong, could walk, could speak but had vertigo. It is a very kind of bizarre symptom to start with.

AF: So the vertigo was part of the first attack. The second attack?

PS: I called my father’s neurologist (who also happened to be the man I did my work experience with when I was 15) and went to see him and he said that the most likely thing causing dizziness is not MS but more likely to be a peripheral symptom i.e. not in the central nervous system but in a peripheral apparatus like your labyrinth which cause a sensation of dizziness. I had reassurance from Prof (his nickname) that it was unlikely to be MS. But later that summer he saw me and examined me and said that it does look to be central i.e. it is originating in the brain. That was bad news. I knew that for my symptoms to be attributed to the central nervous system-that was for me the diagnosis really. He said it was central in origin and did a brain scan. When I asked him what my results from the scan were he responded by asking me how I was feeling? I told him that I was feeling better. My vision had improved. I went back to asking how my scan results were and he said that the results came back as normal! In actual fact I did have a lesions on my brain but one is not sufficient for an MS diagnosis (to have one lesion is normal but to have more than that then you’re looking at MS).

AF: Did Prof actually go on to diagnose you?

PS: Yes. Later on I was working in Accident Emergency (ER in Canada) and I had a sort of funny moment and decided to phone him. I told him that I really wasn’t feeling very well. This was the first time he told me that my scan was abnormal.

AF: But I thought that the single lesion that he had found on your scan was normal?

PS: It all depends on what you consider to be normal. He was absolutely correct to say the scan was normal but to me to have even a single lesion-bad news!!! I talked to him about my prognosis and he said chances are you probably wont get another lesion. So I applied for surgery thinking that I would be alright. Surgery requires pretty much all of your faculties from vision to dexterity to strength. Of course it is the one that is least suited to someone who is going to have potential recurring problems with their central nervous system. I hedged my bets as I always wanted to be a surgeon.

I had just spent six months in South Africa where I had been doing trauma surgery as a volunteer in the biggest hospital in the world called Baragwanath in Soweto. I had always wanted to work there. It is a very famous hospital for gunshot victims. I learned a hell of a lot. I did surgery there that I would never have been given the chance to do back in the UK. There was one guy who was shot in the stomach and he was dying. There were no other doctors there at the time and I said that I had to take him into the operating theatre to try and stop the bleeding. I performed a laparotomy which is opening up the abdomen and just rummaged around until I could find something bleeding and then put a clip on it and waited for a more senior surgeon to come in and complete the operation. It was wonderful.

After my incident at the A&E I was still hopeful and went ahead and applied to surgery which is very hard to get into. I fluked in, there were 500 applicants for the rotation that I had applied for every place and I schmoozed the surgeons on the panel, because how the hell to you distinguish yourself among 4000 applicants. I went and visited them all personally and told them that I was really serious and then during the interview I walked in and knew every member sitting at the panel! I had a great interview, got accepted and went to a teaching hospital outside of London where I was there for two years. It was while I was working there that I had my diagnostic attack where Prof scanned me again and saw another lesion which was enough to diagnose MS.

While I was working there I took six months off to consider my career and it was within this period that I had this catastrophic attack which made me weak in the legs, took my vision away and it was really very serious.

I remember during the six months off I was doing work experience in Psychiatry and General Practice to see if these were things that I wanted to do because for obvious reasons surgery was off the cards. The patients that I was seeing at the time had lesser ailments than me (I was hobbling around at the time).

AF: When you got the diagnosis confirmed by Prof what was your reaction?

PS: I was obviously very upset (I got the diagnosis over the phone) and there was another junior surgeon in the room with me and he actually cried. I didn’t quite cry but very was upset. It was all very intense really.

AF: Did you know in your heart that surgery was over?

PS: It was during my time in cardiac surgery that I realized that it wasn’t going to be possible (this was when I had my catastrophic attack).

I remember speaking to Prof and telling him what was going on and he sent one of his typical kind of monosyllabic emails saying “when it’s playing up rest!” rest was in capital letters!!!

AF: You have talked about psychiatry-is this something you want to pursue?

PS: I just received an email today telling me that I have an interview confirmed for a job in psychiatry.

A month after my sister’s wedding I spoke to Prof and he sent me to Cambridge to go on the drug CAMPATH. I went there and they told me that I would be perfect for the drug but we can’t give it to you because the FDA has asked us to hold the trial because one of the people on it had died of an intra cerebral bleed. This was ridiculous to me because CAMPATH has been on the market for cancer for a decade and a half and they know it causes bleeding. The man who died was having nose bleeds and never went to hospital. Had he gone, he would have been treated and lived.

AF: What is the effect of this drug?

PS: It kills all your T cells. The cells that are attacking the brain all get killed by the drug. It has been used for T cell Lymphoma before its use in MS.

So I went home (I could still walk back then) and called Prof who was heading over to Australia and told him about what had transpired at Cambridge and he said he was sorry and that he had not expected them to do that to me.

By the time he had returned from Australia I was in dire straits. I couldn’t walk or see. He said that he didn’t care what the Americans would think and put me on the drug CAMPATH accepting full responsibility.

AF: I can’t imagine how the FDA has jurisdiction over what meds are taken in a foreign country.

PS: The FDA has massive power.

Since I have been taking CAMPATH I have been getting stronger and stronger.

AF: When did you start taking the drug?

PS: December 2005

AF: So you are still on it?

PS: Yes and I have an infusion every 12 months.

It’s very targeted. The only cells that it kills are the ones in your immune system.

AF: Why psychiatry? This is an area of medicine that I am utterly fascinated in and as you well know our whole family is plagued with mental illness.

PS: I don’t limit myself to being interested in Anatomy and Physiology. I am also interested in Neuroscience and Psychology. I like very much the level of pastoral care that psychiatry involves. One of the reasons I was in surgery was because your interaction with a patient is of a certain gravitas. People have cancer or very severe heart disease and they need someone quite kind and compassionate to be with them at such a serious time. That was why I enjoyed surgery. I think psychiatry offers the same thing because what can be more distressing than a psychiatric illness.

AF: Tell me about it!!!

PS: Fundamentally the whole doctor patient interaction is of a similar severity. I think that’s why I will be comfortable doing it. I am also very interested in seeing how people cope with illness.

AF: That is of course something that you have grown up with.

PS: Indeed. Not only have I been there with Dad but I have had my own personal experience. So I feel that I could bring something to that. If I get into psychiatry I would like to specialize in how people cope with disease.

AF: How long will it take for you to be become a psychiatrist?

PS: If I get this job I will start off as a junior psychiatrist. The training will stop on paper in six years or so.

AF: So it’s six years, and you will be paid immediately as soon as you start off as a junior psychiatrist.

Well from my own selfish point of view I think what you are doing is such an amazing thing and I think that you have all the personal tools to make a very fine psychiatrist (I have seen a few dreadful ones who have yawned and stared at their watches throughout my sessions!!!).

PS: That’s very sweet of you to say that!

AF: It’s completely true Pete. I am fascinated with your field because it’s a disease that has affected our family on such a massive scale. Just as some families battle breast cancer in enormous numbers, our family has had its share of tragedy with this disease with members dropping like flies.

I don’t know whether your mum every told you that our family donated their family home in Montreal to the Allan Memorial (Institute for Psychiatry). So it is rather fitting that we finally have a family member going into the field!!!!

PS: Indeed mum did tell me that!

AF: How did your father react upon hearing your diagnosis?

PS: I think he blames himself (natural thing to do). I don’t think he blames his mother who also had it.

AF: What do we know about MS?

PS: It is more common the further north or further south you go from the equator. It’s very rare in a country such as the Congo, but common in Australia, Sweden and Great Britain.

In Scotland there is a medical joke where if you want to set up a medical office then all you need is a psychiatrist for the alcohol and a neurologist for all the MS.

AF: Do they know why it is more common the further north you are from the equator?

PS: Genetic is one reason. It is in the Caucasian population that inhabit the more temperate areas such as Australia. The other part is explained by mysterious environmental factors. It is thought to be a virus that triggers your immune system to attack your brain (which live in cooler climates). There are theories on calcium, magnetic forces. I try not to read into the theories too much as it is just too close.

AF: Thank you so much Pete for talking so candidly about MS.

PS: You’re welcome!

Filipino Inmates Do thriller

2007-07-22T21:58:00.003-04:00

2007-07-22T21:58:00.001-04:00

SLOTMD (Part 12)

2007-06-26T20:13:00.003-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 11)

2007-06-26T20:13:00.001-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 10)

2007-06-26T20:12:00.001-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 9)

2007-06-26T20:11:00.003-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 8)

2007-06-26T20:11:00.001-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 7)

2007-06-26T20:10:00.001-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 6)

2007-06-26T20:07:00.001-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 5)

2007-06-26T20:06:00.003-04:00

coniinuation...

SLOTMD (Part 4)

2007-06-26T20:06:00.001-04:00

continuation

SLOTMD (Part 3)

2007-06-26T20:03:00.003-04:00

continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 2)

2007-06-26T20:03:00.001-04:00

a continuation...

SLOTMD (Part 1)

2007-06-26T19:46:00.001-04:00

stephen fry discusses his difficulties with depression (specifically bipolar)

stephen fry from youtube

2007-06-26T19:40:00.000-04:00

sarah pawson responded to my post "we are in fine company" by adding this link to youtube. stephen fry talks about his difficulties with bipolar. very interesting, open.

A little background for you...

2007-06-19T22:29:00.001-04:00

i was diagnosed with having depression as a little girl. my mother took me to great ormond street to be analized as i was already showing early signs of having depression. she saw the signs because she lived with them herself and we as a family have the gene in rather staggering numbers. the doctors told her to keep a close eye on me because sure enough i was exhibiting some of the early signs. she did this diligently for many years. as a child i would say i suffered from mild depression. never suicidal. more behaviour issues associated with the disease such as fragile relationships with friends and family.

it wasn't till i was in first year university at mcgill, montreal where i had my first real episode. my parents were going through dire financial problems which led to my mum's attempted suicide, then my parents separated. i was told i was on my own financially which meant that if i wanted to continue with university i would have to fund the experience entirely on my own which would take effect immediately. not exactly how i had predicted my first year to pan out!

the pressure was all too much coupled by the fact that i started taking acid and ecstacy on the weekends where i would go from club to club. there were times when my depression was so bad that i didn't leave my bedroom in residence for three weeks. just couldn't muster the strength or energy to head down to campus. i didn't even have the desire or drive to do anything with my life at the time. i was sort of drowning on my own, self medicating with psychotropic drugs!!!

when i arrived home for the christmas hols after my first semester, my mother was shocked at my gaunt, emaciated appearance. she was concerned but was also drowning in her own problems and pain. we were like the blind leading the blind. however as a mother, she still had that inherent quality that most mothers possess-what to do with her baby girl?!!!

my depression must have gone on a full year before i sought any help. i just remember being exhausted all the time, and extremely tearful. i was always crying! anyway i went to see the campus shrink-two of them actually. the first was so loony that i kind of snapped out of my state realising that she was perhaps more fucked up than me!!!! the second only wanted to talk about sex and was a male shrink which made me feel slightly uncomfortable. tried some antidepressents for a week but just kept on throwing up.

second episode was in 1999 upon leaving tokyo, japan where i had been living and working as an english language teacher. i moved back to london, uk and lived with my brother and 4 other housemates. i just started going downhill with such velocity. much worse than my episode at university. i think it was the drastic change in my life. leaving my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, leaving my job, leaving japan, moving to the uk, having to start completely over. i had no job, no friends and was living off savings that i had amassed during my time in japan. starting again just seemed such an exhausting endeavour! anyway, i spent most days sobbing, in bed and angry. my poor roomates and brother. they tried to be incredibly supportive but there isn't much one can do if one hasn't suffered from depression or even if one has, unless you are a doctor cannot medicate and treat!

went to see the local doctor and explained to him my state of mind. he prescribed anti depressants and i took them obediently till my trip to india (so i guess 4 months). i felt a lot better, could function again and could manoevre with relative ease in society.

third episode was milder and less intense. it came in 2001 when i moved back to toronto where i had gone to the bishop strachan school for grades 12 and 13. i decided post 9/11 that i needed to be patriotic and join the us army. what a fiasco that turned out to be! after being accepted into officer candidate school and on the eve of being shipped off to boot camp i came to my senses. what the hell was i thinking?!! so went awol and hid in toronto till i felt it was safe for me to travel again. anyway i started having major anxiety which then turned into depression. i was put on paxil and have been on a generic form of the drug now for about 4 years. my god what a difference the pills have made to the quality of my life. most days i feel like a fully functioning individual. i have done so much in the past 4 or so years. i have my own company called "english nannies for dogs inc." that i run with my mother. i bought a condo 2 years ago. have great relationships with friends and family as well as clients. to put it simply- astrid has exceeded not only society's expectation of what a person with mental illness is capable but also has surpassed even her own. my life is blessed which brings me to the biggest passion in my life:lifting the stigma of depression.

my weblog will consist of my own experiences with the illnes but more than that will discuss ideas and ways to get rid of this nasty stigma that society has for us. now that i am well, i would like to expend what energy i have on making the stigma history. i have set up a group on facebook called "stay on your meds" which tackles the issue of stigma. i will say more about this on my next post.

2007-06-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

welcome to my blog june 19/07

2007-06-19T18:00:00.001-04:00

i love jotting down little ideas that i have and so here are a few of my thoughts on various issues. the majority of the entries deal with busting the stigma of mental illness. i hope to shed some light on this issue and by talking about my own personal battles with the disease, i hope that other people who suffer will be more open, more comfortable with the taboo nature of it!. it is a dream of mine that one day people will no longer view those suffering from depression and other mental illnesses as pariahs in society. as someone who has managed the disease for most of my life (sometimes well, sometimes not so well!!) i feel like i am a fully functioning member of society who has much to offer.